My Vipasanna Experience
10 days of silence & meditating with 50 strangers from across the world
Taking an inhale
Filling my nose fully
While I feel my belly expand
It has been 1 week since I left my first 10 day Vipasanna
10 days of silence
With 50 strangers, from all across the world
In the jungle of Bali
The effects are continuous
They are sinking deeper
The integration of it all
Will take longer than the 7 days that it has been
So I write to you
About my expereince
About what I learned
About what I will continue
May you be happy, healthy, and at peace
I wanted to call this post : “I Spent 10 Days In Prison”
This title came to me as I was sitting in meditation. A smile formed on my face. I thought “this is definitely a clickable title”.
But this was not really ‘prison.’ It was an opportunity — to let go of the outside world — and let in the inner world.
This prison, was different than what we think of when we hear this word.
It was a chosen prison. With compassion, peace, and calmness.
I say prison, because it had strict rules. No leaving, no talking, no eye contact, cover your shoulders and knees attire. My room fit a twin sized bed and had 2 extra ft on the side.
And I was on a strict timeline.
4am: Wake Bell
4:30-6:30am: Meditate
6:30-8am: Breakfast || Rest
8-11am: Meditate
11-1pm: Lunch || Rest
1-5pm: Meditate
5-6pm: 2 Pieces of Fruit (no dinner) || Rest
6-7pm: Meditate
7-8:30pm: Dhamma Talk
8:30-9pm: Mediate
9:30pm: Lights Out
What is Vipasanna?
Vipasanna is a meditation technique, handed down from Buddah.
It focuses on a few core concepts, that I will review later in this post.
Vipasanna is a simple technique, in my opinion.
And in simple terms — it is sitting in silence, observing the sensations in your body without wishing them away or wishing them to stay.
Why did I choose to go?
I chose to take myself here — because I felt the call.
They say when it is time, Ayahuasca will call for you.
Although I have never done Aya before, I feel the same with Vipasanna.
Earlier this year, I dated someone who had done their first Vipasanna ( Hi, Aaron 😌 ). That is when the first seed was planted.
I then became friends with another, ( Waddddup, Blair! ) who did a Vipasanna shortly after we met.
He knew I had been meditating since 2020 and as a coach, mentor, energy healer — that I was leading clients through meditations, 1on1 and in groups, for years.
When he asked if I ever did a Vipasanna, I admitted that I had not.
”You can’t be a meditation guide if you’ve never done a Vipasanna",” he joked.
That was the water to the seed that was planted by Aaron earlier this year.
It was the end of October when I felt the pull deepen. As I was about to celebrate my 31st birthday on November 4th, I thought “maybe I spend it in silence.”
The dates didn’t line up — so I spent my birthday alone on an Island off Bali, in Gili Air, Lombok. With the date set for my first Vipasanna to start on November 26th. (31 is off to a good start, I’d say 😏)
I chose to go — not only because of the whisper, but also because of my craving for silence.
I found myself seeking to let go of the outer world, and focus more inward.
I found myself desiring to meditate more and more and more — and seeing that I was experiencing a lot of distraction.
It felt like a reset that I was asking for.
My Experience Inside
I could give you a play by play — yet if you are reading this with the intent to prepare for your first Vipasanna, I think it is best to leave some parts up for your own experience.
I felt at home. It felt like a relief to not need to speak to anyone. It felt like a joy to do nothing but sit in meditation for 11 hours a day. It felt like hanging with a friend, myself, to be with the thoughts, emotions, and sensations that were being asked to be observed and seen.
The reoccurring question and comments that I have been getting on my Instagram post about the Vipasanna were “it must have been hard to sit with your thoughts”.
Maybe it is because I have been meditating for the last 5 years.
Or maybe it is because of the vow of Self Love that I made 10 years back.
But that was the easiest part — sitting with my thoughts.
Observing them with love, curiosity, and grace.
Yes, there were some thoughts that made me feel anger, frustration, annoyance, and like I wanted to crawl out of my skin sometimes.
And that was arousing to me (don’t make this statement weird).
I love to feel.
I find the ranges of emotions to be the most satisfying part of being a human.
The way the heart beats faster when I feel fear.
The way the body heats up when I feel anger.
The way the energy moves up my spine when I feel gratitude and power.
I felt it all.
In the first 3 days, you focus on your breath. That is it.
Not in the way that you do breath-work, not trying to force anything, just placing your awareness on the sensations of the air going in your nostrils and out, as it gentle touches the top of your lip. Creating a sharpness to your attention.
In those first 3 days, I found myself processing current events from my life.
Relationship dynamics mostly. And feeling the emotions that came with that.
When that started to ease up, I started to remember.
I began to have memories from 15 years old.
And then 10.
And then 22.
And then 26.
And then 5.
Like the memory of my high school locker.
Or the layout of my college apartment. The one where I lived with my partner at the time.
Every time these memories came in, I would think “woah, I have not thought of this in so long.”
A decluttering, it felt.
By sitting in silence, in meditation for so long.
Making space for the current reality to fade, and allow in what has made you, well, you.
NOTE:
Meditation is NOT about having a mind with no thoughts.
Meditation is about observing the thoughts that come, without judging or trying to get rid of them.
We think meditation is only done ‘right’ if there are no thoughts.
This is a false idea of meditation.
At the end of day 3, after observing the breath for 11 hours a day — I was getting pretty bored.
I thought “if this is all we do for the next 7 days, I do not think I can do it.” (where was the intensity I thought I signed up for, I thought)
Then — Vipasanna was introduced.
Vipasanna being, sitting in absolute stillness, even if there is an itch or pain, observing the sensations of the body come and go. Incredible discipline to stay absolutely still, and be with the mind and sensational body.
*evil grin formed on face*
Finally, intensity and challenge I was looking for.
Day 4-10 would be focusing on the practice of Vipasanna. 3 of the 11 hours of meditation would be to sit in absolute stillness, observing the body in a body scan, and the sensations that came with it.
Each one of those sits, I felt excited to face the challenge of stillness with bodily discomfort.
I would feel my upper back || spine and legs begin to feel intense pain the first few days. And instead of wishing them away, I would be with them. Observing the emotions that came with it — with no attachment.
I would feel the gross sensations in my body, the intense ones, and also the pleasant, subtle sensations in my body.
Seeing how they all exist together — without wishing for one over the other.
Before each of those sits, I would stand in the back, next to my meditation pillow, and hear a pump up song. One that I would hear before running out to the basketball court, when I was in high school.
I would give myself some hype up words like “you got this, Jesse”, and in my minds eye, give myself a firm handshake.
At the end of every hour, the bell would ding, and I would bow my head (and hear cracks) and stretch my legs out, feeling so much love for myself.
Sometimes the hearing in my left ear would be muted, and sometimes I would feel like the most ecstatic surge of energy was flowing through me.
This was a rinse and repeat experience until the last day.
It got to the point that if and when I was bored, I would be excited to meditate. So meditation became an obsession, for me. And the rigid routine because a deep feeling of comfort and safety.
Connecting This To My Cult Experience
On day 8, what hit me the most, was how much I felt prepared for this expereince, and how it was easy for me — because of my experience in the cult.
I felt a lot of love for my experience in the cult on this day. I felt a lot of love for myself in how hard I worked when I was in the cult — it being a place where I would circle (aka communicate & process my feelings) for sometimes 10-12 hours a day. [[ I did this everyday for 3 months ]]
It gave me a deeper love for my discipline. It even made me feel love for the intensity of the ‘guru’ when he was teaching me ways to express myself or push past the fear of vulnerability (outside of the manipulation for the guru’s narcissistic gain).
If you are like wtf you were in a cult — read these:
Concepts of Vipasanna
For those who are seeking the meaning of what comes out of Vipasanna, I share with you the main concepts of Vipasanna that I am taking with me and holding dearly in my heart are these:
Equanimity
No cravings
No aversions
Impermanence
These, that I will go in detail of, are core concepts that I found my body, mind and soul understand from a deep state for all areas of my life.
Equanimity:
Means a calm mind
Means not having cravings for one sensation over the other, and no desire to keep a pleasant sensation
Means not have aversions (dislikes) of a sensations, and not wishing for an unpleasant sensation to go away
Just letting whatever is, be
Impermanence:
Acceptance that nothing lasts
Questions that came from Instagram that I believe connect to these concepts:
Is Vipasanna something the can benefit daily life?
There is so much craving to have something more, or different. The concept of equanimity allows for deeper acceptance and to release the energy of ‘not’ having something through craving.
There is a lot of aversions in life, things we do not like and want to stop. This can be an emotion or an experience happening in our world. The concept of equanimity allows to accept what is here — even if unpleasant.
Impermanence allows for spaciousness and non-attachment to allow for more flow in your life.
What about focus, concentration, decisions in life?
Meditation in general is important for all of these. Applying the concepts above gives you an opportunity to feel more free and spacious to have more sharp focus, deeper concentration within your body (that translates into the outside world) and more clear, without attachments, to the decisions in your life.
What I Noticed The Most ( Social Experiment )
THIS WAS SUCH A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT!!!!
Holy ballz
As someone who facilitates a community for conscious communication, check it out here, this was such a wild experiment.
50 people from across the world living together (men and women separated).
No talking.
No gestures.
No eye contact.
Nothing but meditation.
It was fascinating observing others, as they simply existed. It was fascinating hearing the internal stories I had about others, based on perceptions. It was fascinating, being someone who feels energy of others, to almost cut that off completely, to be fully in my own world.
It was taking out any ‘politeness’ or sharing little tricks or insights, or even a "‘hey I found this walking path that you probably wont find unless you wander this way.”
For the first 5 days, all I could think about was community, communication and how many ideas I had for bringing this social experiment into a conscious communication retreat.
It was incredibly satisfying — at the end of the retreat — to speak to people and hear their voice. To hear their stories of who they are. And to debrief our shared experience, that happened at such an individual level.
Moving Forward
As I am out, this is what I have noticed.
I wake up at 5am to meditate.
I notice when my body jolts in a movement in meditation, it is because there is an aversion or strong sensation that arises in my body — which means my awareness is more heightened.
Anytime I feel there is an unsettled energy or thought in my body, I sit and meditate. (Sometimes that means 3-5x a day)
Enhanced clarity on the direction I am moving towards, without the worry and stress that came with cravings and aversions
A non negotiable meditation before I go to bed.
Additional Photos From Vipasanna
As I completed this post, I sat outside on the shaded stairs of a coworking space in Bali.
I began to cry.
I found myself desiring to write from a deeper place. A place that has been asked to be written, that I have felt fear to put my energy into.
And I am no longer afraid — and so ready to share the story of the cult more deeply.
This publication is moving into the direction of houses the pages that will turn into my book — I feel excited to begin to use this platform to share what is desiring to be poured out and focusing my energy on this moving forward.
💖